Friday, May 7, 2021

The Well

 


My daddy was a witch. Not an eye of newt kind of witch but a water witch. Now, he didn’t call himself that but I heard other people say it. He said he could feel vibrations in his body coming from the ground that told him there was water down there and how deep it was.  Digging a well is serious business and more work than most people are prepared to do, so if there was a way to be certain there was water down there, why I don’t see why not give ‘er a try. A lot of people thought it was just a bunch of superstition but I saw him do it once over at the neighbors and Mrs. Tews from in town still brought us a pie some Sundays for helping her son with his well.

Reverend Alkhars had been our neighbor for as long as I could remember. On summer days, I’d follow him around and watch him weed his garden or check for eggs. His banty hens were hatching more chicks than he knew what to do with and he’d just hauled his ewe back from Jack Spogan’s place where his ram got her pregnant. His garden seemed to have twice as many potato hills and rows of corn marked out with lines of fibrous twine. I could smell that twine from our house when the wind was right. When you add that to the ducks and geese that swam around the warm, muddy water of the pond that didn’t last past June, he decided he thought it would be a good idea to dig a well out behind his barn. 

You’d think being a reverend and all, he wouldn’t go in for witchin’ but on the contrary, Reverend Alkhars welcomed any advantage he could get as long as it favored his farm and all its creatures. Mrs. Alkhars just stood quietly by his side with her mouth screwed up and eyes a squint like she was thinkin’ real hard. I won’t make fun on account of they’d lost their only son in a threshing accident last fall and she wasn’t the same since.

One Sunday morning after church, Daddy told me to come out to the woods with him and find just the right willow switch. We cracked some slender willow twigs off and peeled the bark to reveal their white skin underneath. It reminded me of what I imagined a woman’s skin to look like under her dress. I imagined a lot of things and I guess imagining ran in our family. Momma wrote poems about the woods and birds and deer and would look out through the kitchen window while she did supper dishes like she forgot where she was. Then she’d look back down at the suds and finish scrubbing the grease from a pan or a dry ring from the inside of a coffee cup.

“Why does it have to be willow?”

“Because that’s what my daddy, your grandpa, used.”

That was the way with so much of what Daddy taught me. It always came from something someone had shown him rather than an explanation. At twelve years old, I wasn’t ready to question my daddy, yet.  


“Do you suppose there’s water under there?’

“Inshallah,” the reverend would say, “Inshallah.”

I spent a lot of time at the Alkhars through the summer. Daddy had a crew and built barns and would be on stay-away for a whole week sometimes, so I was on my own.

Lately though, Daddy was home more and we spent time together. I sometimes wondered if he would rather have a son, like the Alkhars. Some mornings, we’d walk over to the pond between our places and catch frogs or find the right size willow limb to make a bow and then try to hit fence posts with a homemade arrow. Daddy showed me how to make an arrow by sharpening the end of a stick and pushing a half a corn cob onto it for the point. It got to where I could hit a fence post forty feet away. I even knocked a chipmunk off its feet one day. He got up and, chittered excitedly, and ran under the shed.

“Well, I suppose we ought to go help John look for that water.”

Only Daddy called Reverend Alkhars, John. I always thought it nice that he felt that comfortable to call him by his Christian name and it seemed like Reverend Alkhars appreciated it, too. 

“Come over here now and pay attention.”

The willow was a forked wishbone shape and Daddy held a fork in each hand, with his palms up like he was giving of himself. 

“Now, we walk slowly and wait for the ground to talk to us. John, why don’t you stand off to the side a bit while we walk the area.”

“Of course, I apologize.” 

“No need to apologize.”

We were on the shadow side of the barn and it was cool. The ewe was lying in the shade of a tree near the fenceline and I could hear the buzzing of flies in the dirt. Daddy held the willow branch and dragged his feet slow over the ground, then stopped.

“Honey, do you see that?”

“See what?”

“The willow. It’s saggin’ here.” He directed me to see with a nod of his head. 

I walked closer to him.

“It’s not strong but I can feel it.”

Daddy’s shirt sleeves were rolled up and blue veins lined the underside of his arms. He moved slowly forward. The ground was powdery dry here and little clouds of dust hung around our feet. 

“Is it still saggin’?” It felt like something was about to happen. Daddy didn’t reply and kept the slow step forward, his hat pulled low over his eyes. He always wore a hat low. Then, just when we were about to leave the shadow of the barn, I saw it plain. The single limb of the willow was bending down, even bouncing a little bit. I looked at the ground but it didn’t look any different than any other spot. We stood there for a minute before I even realized we had stopped.

“Is there water there?” I whispered slowly, my voice rising at the end, not sure if I’d get an answer. I could hear Reverend Alkhars’ boot step lightly off to the side. 

“What ya think, Tom? Did ya hit on something over there?” The hesitation in his voice almost sounded afraid.

Daddy didn’t answer, not right away.

“I’m not sure. It’s real strong here.” He looked at the ground in front of his feet. 

His voice was louder than I expected now. “How long you lived here, John? You were here when we bought our place,” he kept looking at the ground, “what, maybe thirteen years ago now?” Daddy’s face was a mask of something that the brim of his hat half hid in a shadow. 

I looked over at Reverend Alkhars who was looking at Daddy but looked to be figuring. He took off his hat and wiped the sweat from his forehead and the back of his neck. “I suppose it’s coming on twenty years now.” He looked down at the ground. “We came just after the influenza outbreak.”

Now, Daddy walked with his arms in a V out in front like he was afraid the ground might swallow him up; he moved past the corner of the barn into the bright sunshine. I could see the shine from sweat running down his face. “Why, my dousing stick is on a beeline.” He said excitedly and moved swiftly and then, just as quickly, he stopped and stared at his feet. 

The willow switch hung like a lead weight swung from its tip.

“Are we gettin’ close?” I asked. Then he shuffled a few steps to the side and turned his eyes up to the big white clouds drifting through the blue sky.

“Here.”


Reverend Alkhars held his hands clasped in front of him and bunched his lips together, his forehead creased. I’d seen him stop and figure lots of times, thinkin’ of how many potato plants in a fifty foot row or how long his bantys had been sittin’ on the nest. He looked like he was doing that now but harder.

“What ya think?” I asked, looking forward to the prospect of digging a well.

Daddy scuffed the dirt with his boot, thinkin’.

There was a long quiet.

“Tom.” He waited for Daddy to look over at him. Then the Reverend hesitated and looked as if he forgot what he was going to say. 

He must have seen the look pass between Daddy and me. 

“Our little girl Sara is buried there.” 

“Your little girl?” Daddy seemed confused.

“Flu took her just after we came here. We’d come from Chicago and she took sick on the way.” He seemed to be having some second thoughts about telling us more. “We thought we could nurse her through, but she just got worse. She died five days after we arrived.”

All I could think was how Daddy found where that little girl was buried with a willow branch. 

“That’s a powerful instrument you have there, Tom.”

“I apologize, John. I didn’t mean to, do this, I mean, this is none of our business and I didn't mean to be disrespectful.” He stopped, unsure how to continue.

“It’s fine, Tom.” It’s time someone knew. It has weighed heavy on us. At that time we had our boy a month later and I guess that kind of changed our focus. But when we lost him last summer, Eileen took it especially hard. We are still working our way through the loss. Sometimes it feels like more than we can handle.”

Just then from inside the barn came the muffled crow of a rooster.

“Do you want me to try someplace else?” Daddy asked, softly.

“No, Tom. That’s probably enough for now.”

“But Reverend, don’t you want to find water by the barn?” I was incredulous.


 Reverend Alkhars decided to keep bringing water from the house. Later, I figured maybe he wanted us to find his little girl. He couldn’t carry the secret any longer. He couldn’t stand to see his wife suffer under the grief she bore without someone knowing of the thread that connected one child to another. Knowing is a powerful salve. 


That night, Daddy told me Reverend Alkhars’s story. He wasn’t really a Reverend, at least not the kind of Reverend I knew about. When he first arrived, he wore a white collar like other church men and told people he had been the leader of a small congregation back near Chicago but he decided to give it up. The collar kept people from asking questions. The reverend didn’t call God, God. He called him Allah, but he prayed to him the same as we do. There was a time of the year where the Reverend and his wife fasted from sunrise ‘til sunset for a whole month. But when it was over, they feasted on the goat which he slaughtered that one time a year for his God and they prayed over it. Even so, he lost both his children and it seems to me that any God that will do that may not be deserving of the name.


After we witched the Alkhars’ little girl, I felt real bad for them but I was kind of curious, too. The idea of losing the only children you ever had made me want to get to know more about them and to help them, even though their little girl died so long ago and their boy was almost a man.

“Can I help you Mrs. Alkhars?”

“Yes, dear. Will you go out to the garden and cut a fistful of chives for our salad?”

Nearly as tall as me, two tomato plants created a lane into the garden and the tomatoes hung in pale green clumps, their odor was strong in my nose. There were two chive plants and I could see they were cut from here and there and kept growing back. I snipped off a chunk and brought it back to Mrs. Alkhars. She wasn’t in the kitchen anymore and I looked out the back door and the fragrant smell of a cigarette drifted in through the screen.

“I didn’t know you could smoke, Mrs. Alkhars.”

“Oh yes, dear. Mr. Alkhars says it’s haram, but it helps me think of my son and baby Yara.”

“What does haram mean?” Mrs. Alkhars stared out at the clothesline hung heavy with bed sheets and shirts before turning to me.

“It means it’s not allowed. Our religion forbids it, especially for women. Religions forbid many things. We’d better go in and make dinner for Mr. Alkhars.”  

Their house was decorated kind of funny with shiny silver and gold bowls and rugs draped over the bannister. There was a funny looking footstool that looked like a saddle with leather straps and wooden legs and puffy leather cushion. A large window looked toward the morning sun and there was a small rug on the floor in front of it. I could see dust motes floating in the still noon light.

Mrs. Alkhars rolled four pieces of chicken in a bowl of flour and set them gently in the angry hot oil of the fry pan. “I don’t pray anymore. Not since Jad is gone, maybe before that.” She screwed up her mouth and squinted her eyes, but then said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say these things to you.”

“It’s okay, Mrs. Alkhars.” She was so sad and maybe angry, but that wasn’t all. There was a well of something else that I had never noticed before, probably no one did, as Mrs. Alkhars was never seen in town or at church.  Reverend Alkhars had his garden and his chickens but Mrs. Alkhars only had her life out here and her thinking.

“I bet your baby was real beautiful. I’m glad I know about her, even if it was by witchin’.”

“Thank you, honey. You’re sweet to say it.” Then she stopped turning the chicken for a moment and turned to me. “I’m glad I got to know you, too, honey.”

“Mrs. Alkhars, would it be alright if I came to visit sometimes?”

“Of course. I would like that.”

Daddy always said that maybe Mrs. Alkhars was kind of broken, like a lame animal that gets left behind and comes last to the trough to eat, but he was wrong about that. I came to see Mrs. Alkhars often that summer. Mostly I would just watch her keep house and we’d talk about things. She’d smoke a cigarette on the back step and Mr. Alkhars would come in at noon for a sandwich and coffee and tell us about whatever he was mending or building or planting, then he’d go back out and I’d watch her make bread dough or use the Singer to mend hems on Mr. Alkhars’ shirts or make curtains out of cast offs. Her fingers moved strong and swift in the bread dough or feeling the edge of a hem for flaws.


One warm late fall day, there was a knock on our door, and it was the Reverend and Mrs. Alkhars standing out on our steps.

“We just wanted to stop and say goodbye.” The reverend stood next to Mrs. Alkhars who looked at me and smiled reassuringly. 

“Well, I guess today is the day, huh, John?” Daddy looked behind them and saw their car trunk was filled up so full that it was tied down to the bumper.

“We’ll help my brother get settled in Chicago and hope to be back in the spring. Thank you for looking after things while we are gone.” 

I looked at Mrs. Alkhars and she stepped forward and gave me a hug. “Goodbye, Honey.” My face got warm and tears welled and ran down my cheeks. “Oh, don’t be sad now. I look forward to our next visit.”

I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and stepped back next to Daddy and watched them go. I’d never noticed before but Mrs. Alkhars was taller than the reverend. 

We never saw them again after that but I still remember the set of her shoulders and the wild strands of hair blowing around the corner of her scarf as they walked back to their car. 




 







 





 






The Dream

                                                                  

A thick yellow algae bloom cauliflowered slowly in the toilet bowl as he dumped a gallon of piss from his night out. Head hung, chin on chest, left hand holding up the Goddamned toilet seat. Warm piss pricks spattered lightly on his knee caps. Uhhnnnhaahh, a deep breathy baritone escaped from his lips as he emptied the last of it.

He tried to think back to the Pub last night. She fired off a machine gun bluster of Eminem, a Jackson Pollack of words against the sweaty air. With each break in the lyrics she looked over at him weaving rhythmically on the sticky tile floor, like the metal ball in a pinball machine only pressing and rolling from one hot, soft body to the next in the cramped quarter of the municipal space.

Last call for the night, echoed business-like from the ceiling. He remembered that and the gray fog of bodies moving in slow motion after the music stopped. He leaned against the pool table away from the flow of exiting traffic and she stood too close to him--her warm, damp thighs pressed into his while she composed a text on his phone. Easier and more permanent than exchanging numbers. There. She said smiling, eyes adrift, left incisor gone, just a wet hole close to her face. He remembered the instantaneous crazy thought that right then he’d wanted to kiss her and stick his tongue in that hole, but she hooked two fingers in his front pants pocket and slid his phone inside clipping the iron erection that stood acutely from his groin. She grabbed the soft pack of Winston lights from the edge of the pool table and joined the thinning stream of revelers as they filed out into the night.

His tongue felt like a shriveled root, blind and parched. The headache was non specific and soft at the edges, manageable with a couple of ibuprofen and liquids. He dug the phone from his pants pocket. 6:30. Lucky. Chuck’d be there at seven.

Meep meep. Two short cartoon sounds punctuated the moment. He flipped on the porch light and hoped his sister didn’t wake up. 

He texted, 5 minutes fuck stick.  


White powder hung suspended in the air from sawing around the fixtures. He and Chuck had been hanging drywall for three years now, ever since his stint at the community college ended. A twelve foot piece lay on the rack. Wait up, dude. Chuck pulled out his phone and responded to a text (Diapers!) for his wife. Shit, we gotta stop by Walmart on the way home. 

The room was about twenty feet long by about fifteen feet wide with three more rooms they’d already finished hanging. The lower level was bigger than his sister’s house. The end of the room had an enormous sliding glass walkout that overlooked a clay berm bisecting the block. He stepped outside for some fresh air. Traffic had picked up on the street alongside the development. A foreclosed house, half finished on the next lot over provided some privacy. The sun was climbing and he was glad they only worked until noon today. He sat on a pile of leftover block when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Dinner tonight? Ruby. Who the hell is Ruby? Then it dawned on him; Ruby was the singer from last night. Anxious regret seeped into his mind but not without a weak anticipation picking at the edges.

Fine bits of drywall fell across Chuck’s faded Dio t-shirt as he routered around a ceiling electrical box. He was a wiry guy who moved with the lazy fluidity of a surfer or rockstar. He wasn’t a rockstar but he had appropriated the wardrobe--torn jeans, t-shirt and hair past his shoulders that he tied back with a rubber band. A cigarette hung from his mouth. There wasn’t much distance between rockstar and residential drywall hanger on the sociological scale.

Your kid still in diapers?

She’s only fourteen months old.

How long does it take?

I don’t know. A while yet, I think.

Let’s finish this wall and call it a day. Chuck led and he followed, although he thought he was capable of doing the same. He didn’t mind the work--at least it was inside and he was good at it, quick, efficient moves for a guy his size and he was strong enough to handle the rock with ease. The chipmunks on speed filling in between commercials on the radio droned some braindead banter until a Green Day song came on. He turned the volume up some and bobbed his head to the echoing guitars in the hollow room. Do you have the time to listen to me whine...


He ran his fingers over the split in the vinyl of the dash in Chuck’s Tercel and watched people walk into and out of Walmart, disheveled or put together, some with kids in tow. A woman in a baby blue shiny silk shirt pushed a cart full of groceries, her tits shaking loose with every step. Jesus he thought. She backed out of her space, the car behind, some rusty piece of shit had a bumper sticker that read “Fuck Your Feelings.” 


Sorry, I wanted to check out the blueray players. Too much though. The package of diapers lay in the backseat. Twenty five dollars a pop for those things. Kids are expensive. He still felt like a kid himself, even though he was pushing thirty. He thought about the text.

The old part of town, two story and single story homes and detached single car garages built for a time when people only had one car for the family. Green asphalt siding covered the neighbor’s house. His sister’s was plated in slate siding that he knew was made from asbestos from a job he worked once replacing it across town. Chuck drove into the alley. There was only one more row of houses on the other side of the alley, then railroad tracks leading to the elevator and beyond that the Crow River.

Have a good one. He climbed out of the car and stood up his full height, arching his back and listening to the music of his vertebrae crack into place. There was a weedy gravel driveway that ran up alongside the garage to the back of the house where Janet parked. She’d be gone to work now.

He lowered his bulk into the webbing of the lawn chair where his sister smoked her cigarettes. They lay broken and bent, smashed into the ground like thick dead worms in the dirt around the front of the chair at his feet. He could hear the machinery of the elevator a few blocks away. He  loosened the laces on his boots and straightened his legs. The small square depression at the edge of the yard marked where his father had a garden when they were kids. Above him he stared into the canopy of the ancient Elm that protected the yard. Its trunk too thick for two of him to wrap his arms around. Sparrows nervously shifted around its branches and the harsh cry of a crow scolded the sparrows from somewhere deeper.

He checked his phone. 

Dinner?

He slid it back into his pocket. The back door opened into the kitchen and he could smell something cooking. A small chicken sat dead center of a big oval shaped crock and was in the process of melting into itself like a bantam wicked witch of the west. The skin was still tight and a little yellow, not ready to be picked at. After changing into shorts and peeling off his socks, he settled down to Call of Duty: Black Ops to shoot some shit up, relax and think about this Ruby from last night. He adjusted his package and felt some tenderness where she clipped him with the phone. She doesn’t know her own strength, he thought.


He had always taken things as they came, like his living with Janet in their dead parent’s house or his totaling of his car and his DUI and his inability to stay on track, first in high school, from which he eventually graduated and then college from which he did not. He didn’t mind hanging drywall with Chuck; he was a positive influence. He had a job, girlfriend, baby and an apartment; he was doing well for himself and now he felt a stirring to do the same--to organize his life into some recognizable pattern.

He checked his phone.

Pizza?

He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, just a little rest. 

He was at a woman’s bedside, sitting in a square wood and orange vinyl chair holding the woman’s hand. She was pregnant and in labor. Her legs were in these huge stainless steel stirrups and the doctor, who looked just like Chuck was saying in a soothing tone, It’s ok, he’ll probably leave you and then we can be together. He looked at the doctor but he didn’t look back. He only fiddled around between her legs and continued to speak in low tones that he could no longer make out. Deep disappointment welled up in him and someone pushed him on the shoulder but he didn’t want to look who it was; he didn’t want to hear what they’d say. Then there was a harder push and he saw Janet standing in her pink nursing home smock. 

Will you put the chicken in the fridge after you eat?

Chicken?

In the crockpot!

Geez, what time did you get home last night? 

I was having a dream in the middle of the day. I must have been more tired than I thought.

It’s past the middle of the day; it’s almost four and I picked up another shift so I gotta go pretty quick. Will you put the chicken in the fridge later? 

Sure. Hey, could I use your car?

I need to be to work in ten minutes.

He hauled Janet back to work and she would get a ride home with a co-worker. 

I’m not doing this again; you need to get your own car. She worked her way out with her big bag. Don’t forget about the chicken.

He watched her walk through the automatic doors and disappear inside.


The meager pressure felt like a soft rain but it took forever to rinse the lather from his body. Janet bought the shampoo and he smelled like a bouquet of chemically enhanced flowers. 

A date. Last night he drank too much beer and danced to shitty music and stumbled into this woman’s view. Ruby. She did not avert her gaze. He thought she was drunk. He was. Her aggressive move to contact him stirred something up. His last date was a disastrous senior prom with Mary Gonarek. She left the dance early without telling him and he searched the gym for an hour before he realized she, who was two years younger, just used him as her ticket to the event. Actually she had initiated that date, too. He felt fat.


He slapped some Old Spice Swagger on his chest and balls, applied deodorant, combed his shaggy head and got dressed. He didn’t drive very often and lacked confidence. She lived near the fairgrounds, where the railroad tracks come into town and the potholed street jarred him as he rolled slowly into the block, looking for the house number. 

333 in a descending diagonal under an open porch next to a faded green wooden screen door. He made a U-turn at the end of the block and pulled up in front of the house. Don’t even try to understand...Take it eeeeeeasy flowed from the dash speaker. The sound of the Eagles always reminded him of his parents--a nonspecific 1970s evening image, low lamp light, the O’Falllon’s, neighbors then, playing pinochle and thick amber bottles of Pfeiffers, a pile of homemade pickles and ham sandwiches slathered with butter at midnight.

He hiked up his pants and gave his t-shirt a pull to stretch it from shrinking up in the dryer. A narrow ribbon of concrete connected the curb to the porch. He turned his head and listened before knocking, a tv program droned from somewhere inside.

He knocked.

Second thoughts flooded his mind. He could be sitting drinking a beer and playing PS4 or be down at the river trying to hook a Northern with a Daredevil. He could be having supper with Chuck and his girlfriend and kid. 

No one is coming to the door. He traces the number three on the cool brass by the frame and decides to go. The porch boards squeak under his shoes. The switch is instantaneous, like the other thing never happened. This never happened. It would never happen. His anxiety gone, replaced by the interminable dissatisfaction that lined the shell of his will. He scraped a thick tuft of green grass growing from between the crack in the sidewalk with the toe of his shoe. The car needed gas. Fuckin’ chicken shit.

The sound of the porch board squeaking broke his mental misrevelry.

Hey! Where you going? 

He turned and the caution in the question killed him.

Sorry. I thought you weren’t home.

Here I am. 

She stood there for a moment and came towards him. Her eyes were large and bright and so was she. Dark hair, unmananged and wild, her shirt, low and loose draped over tight jeans that ran down to thick soled, shiny red shoes with unwieldy high heels. 

Behind her, nose pressed against the screen door, a tow headed blond boy in a striped shirt flanked by a gray headed old woman. 

I’ve been looking forward to this. 

She turned. 

Bye Baby!

Love you Mommy!

Before he thought to keep moving she stood before him. 

He opened her door without thinking. 

Do you mind if we stop at my place quick? I forgot to turn off the chicken.

Whatever you want.


Vocation

  


You need some change? For a full minute Jerry watched her gently shake the plastic container from side to side and slide her finger around the inside of it.


A yellowed tusk protruded into the bottom of the woman’s upper lip while she poked a wrinkled digit around her green plastic coin purse for enough change to pay for the can of Mountain Dew. Her tennis shoes lacked strings and her legs were covered in sparse, coarse hair below the dress that hung under a faded blue Minnesota Twins hooded sweatshirt. The ends of the sleeves were torn and loose and got caught up in her fingers.


Excuse me, Maam? Do you need some change? 


She cocked her head in his direction and he raised his eyebrows in anticipation. She smiled. The tusk was the only tooth in her mouth. 


I just have a dollar. He dug around in his shorts pocket, keys jangling, while she stood there smiling at him. 


Here you go.


She moved towards him and reached out for the dollar, and while she looked straight at Jerry, she never spoke a word, just smiled. She gripped the bill and pushed it into the coin purse. There was a quarter sized dark scab on the top of her forearm with a dried rivulet of blood that must have leaked from it earlier but had never been wiped off.


The sun beat down on Jerry and the sidewalk in front of the post office. It was going to be another hot one. He lost sight of the woman as she turned the corner of the building and headed into the shade.


Jerry didn’t usually check his mail in the morning but he’d forgotten about it on Saturday and he was expecting a package.


Hi, Jerry! 


Rita Spencer, heels clicking on the cement, shiny red toe nails, lumpy tight skirt and a bob that made her head look like a pumpkin. They’d dated once, for a while, but she got bored with him because he didn’t take her places. Since then, he’d felt a little lucky it worked out that way; he didn’t like to be mean to people. Not even Rita.


Hey Rita. He did a half turn to signal his disengagement but she circled around on him. How’ve you been--I haven’t seen you around. Have you lost weight or something, you look slimmer?


In fact, he had and religiously did one hundred sit-ups and push-ups every morning and walked wherever he was going whenever he had the chance.


No, not really. I just need to check my box and get going.


Oh, Jerry, you haven’t changed, the same sweet guy.


She was nice, he thought, but she always made him hungry and he didn’t need that.


See ya, Rita.


The smudged U.S. Postal Service logo on the window attendant’s hat drew Jerry’s eye and no matter how much he looked around the room behind him, that smudge brought him back. He’d slid the yellow slip from his box indicating a package nearly two minutes ago and after a cursory look around the attendant was back standing before Jerry with only the worn formica countertop separating them and a rusted iron window. Now the postman consulted a clipboard that hung beside the counter and ran his finger down the page while a nub of a pencil taped to a piece of string swung from it. 


What was the last name again?


Ghostgy. G - h - o, he began spelling it.


Yep, here it is, Ghostgy. He pronounced it “ghost guy.”


Gost - gy, Jerry said it slow, enunciating precisely.


According to this it should be right here. Let me give it one more look.


He could still smell the rain in the air even though it had passed hours ago. He couldn’t remember the last time he woke up in the morning to thunder and lightning and rain. He’d always thought of that as a phenomenon of the afternoon or early evening, not something that could begin while he was still asleep--but of course it could. 


He heard the attendant before he saw him. 


Here it is. He slid a cardboard tube onto the countertop.


Sorry about that; it had been pushed sideways behind a big box. Anyway, there you go.


It looked smaller than Jerry anticipated and, although it did have a heft to it, he worried it wasn’t right. He stepped out of the the building and decided to sit at the picnic table in front of the frozen yogurt store and examine the contents.


The poster unfurled, heavy and thick, across the top of the picnic table. A muscled man with a ponytail, some sort of bright white high top exercise shoe wearing a green singlette was photographed in twenty different exercise positions arranged on a glossy grid. There were no words associated with the individual photographs, only the man’s grimacing or smiling face, depending on the intensity of the position and, across the bottom of the poster, in splashy, energetic, yellow print were the words No Pain No Gain.


He’d ordered the poster online from the free computers at the library a couple of weeks ago when his exercise routine was a frenzied combination of running around the outer edges of town, doing situps with his feet pinned under his couch and eating baby carrots for breakfast and lunch. Since then it had tapered off and he hadn’t had a baby carrot now for three days.


Jerry took his hand off the poster and let it roll back up. Then he put his right foot on the edge of the picnic table seat, straightened his upper body and leaned forward, approximating one of the poses from the poster. He looked down at the outside edge of his calf and admired the tension in the muscle there; he stretched forward with both arms and reached for the crevice between the table top boards and exhaled a low moan of lactic acid free ecstasy.


River heights apartments were not near a river or on a height but Jerry did pay $50 less a month in rent because he didn’t have a deck, only a sliding glass door with a wrought iron barrier to keep people from falling to their death or at least to a broken bone, since it was only the second story. Ando, the maintenance man, thought Jerry wise for this decision, since, as he said - nobody use that damn patio anyway. This morning, Ando was changing the blades on a lawnmower in the maintenance stall, which was the end garage stall of a long line of them. Jerry, in another feint at thrift, pulled into a parking space, another $75 off the rent for no garage stall.


Hey Jerry, give a hand, hey! Ando’s thin forearm strained under the torque of a wrench hidden below the mower deck.


Sure, Ando! What do you need?


Ando wore a stained khaki short-sleeved collar shirt that said Ando above the pocket and jean shorts. 


Take slack up in deck. Grab here. Lift so I can loosen bolt a little. Jerry got in position, taking the weight with his back and not his thighs as he’d learned. He immediately smelled the kimchi aroma that rolled off Ando in his sweat. The mini fridge in the maintenance stall was lined with plastic pint jars of the fermented cabbage and after five in the afternoon, Ando could often be seen sitting in a plastic lawn chair drinking a Budweiser and plucking chunks of kimchi straight from the jar with long wooden chopsticks. 


The son of bitch is tight Goddamnit. He strained at the wrench.There! He grunted in a thick exhale. Thanks Jerry.


Occasionally Jerry joined Ando in the parking lot for a beer but lately he’d stayed off the stuff as he solidified his regimen and made plans. 


Watchyou got there, Jerry.


Oh nothing just some mail. I’ll see ya later Ando. Take it easy.


Kay Jerry, beer-thirty soon, hey?


Yeah, maybe.


His apartment faced the back of the property, where there was a horse pasture attached to a trailer house and a small rotting barn that leaned into the wind. Somedays he could smell horseshit floating through his window screens and  would draw the scent deep into his lungs groping for a connection to the animal.


Jerry cubed a block of tofu, rolled them into a sizzling pan with a single piece of bacon and a can of green beans and thought about the two locations he had in mind for his studio. 


The Candy Jar had shut down last year after one of the strippers had been beaten and raped afterhours by a mentally unstable customer, who was then shot and killed by the bouncer,Teddy, who’d seen the crime finish up in his rearview mirror at two in the morning.Teddy’d graduated high school with Jerry and lived in the same building. It would need a lot of work.


The long narrow room at the old Nickel Nook was his favorite though. The last time he pressed his face up against the glass he could see rows of students performing the routines he’d taught them. Jerry used to read copies of his favorite comics in the aisles of the Nickel. He never dreamed that the space might one day be his.


The door to the refrigerator was his touchstone. Emblazoned across the feezer door were the words: Plan Your Work - Work Your Plan! Jerry chugged a quart of raspberry Crystal Light and booted up the computer on the breakfast bar. He’d just got it back from the repair shop where it had been completely wiped clean and reconfigured. The little jackass in the cage gave him a smirk when he went to pick it up too. Dude, you should be more careful with the porn. 


Before he began to take control of his physical fitness, Jerry’d come to rely on the feeling of possibility that developed each time he brought up the pictures on his computer, worked himself into a frenzy and then came down, ashamed and disgusted with what he’d just done. The endless pop-ups were a minor irritant before he jacked off, but afterwards, a single pop-up sometimes made him want to destroy his computer altogether. Slowly he began to think it wasn’t the pop-ups at all--that he was merely channeling his rage at a machine but it was really himself he was angry at and he needed to modify that relationship--create a date night so to speak, so he cut off a pair of sweat pants, pulled on a t-shirt and sneakers and started to go out at night, first walking the perimeter of the town, then slowly jogging it until he worked up to a healthy run twice around. After that he added the sit-ups and push-ups. It wasn’t until over a bowl of Sunday morning Lucky Charms, scanning the TV that he found a threesome working out on a Hawaiian beach, Pacific white caps racing across the screen behind them, speaking to him in a language he had only just begun to understand--that the seed he hadn’t even realized he’d planted began to grow into an idea, a brittle, plastic idea; he wanted to help others feel as he now felt-turn this new found avocation into a vocation.


He’d cleared out his living room for a workout space on Sunday mornings and mastered the routines, even tried to work on the banter, but he never was good at banter.


The phone vibrated on the countertop; Jerry leaped up to answer.


Jerry?


Hi Mom.


Jerry? She said it again, in a breathy whisper this time.


Mom! He felt guilty for his elevated voice.


I’m here Mom.


Jerry. I need coffee for the morning, Jerry. It was a plea and he couldn’t take many more of these calls. 


O.K. Mom. I’ll be over tomorrow.


O.K. Jerry. Jerry?


Yeah Mom?


I love you Jerry.


He stopped and listened to the silence on the line. Through the window, Ando sat in his lawn chair in front of the storage garage outside while the sun was half concealed now behind the tree line.


I love you too Mom. He could hear her breathing slowly on the line. Bye.


They’d never expressed their feelings for each other when he was a kid. In fact, she had been pretty selfish and slept over with other men while he stayed home alone--in the same apartment complex he now lived.




The buzzer grated on Jerry every time he had to push it to enter Golden Horizons. He couldn’t handle his mother anymore and when she needed him to help her use the toilet and the shower, he checked into this place.


Her dementia had progressed in the seven months she’d been there, which is why he didn’t bother with coffee. She would have it served to her with a cookie in the commons room during social time like everyone else.


The smell sicklied over the stale coffee brew and some antiseptic odor.


Mr. Ghostgy?


I’m sorry your mom used the phone again yesterday. I hope it’s ok. She was lucid and asked so kindly.


What does lucid even mean? He mumbled beneath his breath.


I’m sorry?


Never mind. Are they having coffee yet?


She sat belly up to a roundtable with a left over 4th of July decoration as a centerpiece. A man in a wheelchair, slumped over, arms folded in his lap, sat across the way, a plastic mug of coffee the color of dried up chocolate pudding cooled in front of him.


She sucked at the coffee making a slurping sound to cool it before drinking. He waited until she set the mug down before coming around where she could see him.


Hi Mom. What’s happening?


Her face slackened.


Mom. It’s me, Jerry. He slid his chair closer--speaking more slowly.


Jerry.


She began a low whine like a puppy and then the volume began to grow and her eyes grew large and fearful.


Mom! Not now. 


But now she whimpered and looked frantically around the room. 


Mom. It’s ok; I’ll go. He got up to leave and the sound grew quieter as he moved out of her field of view.


She doesn’t know what she’s doing, you know. 


It was the nurse from the station by the phone. 


Don’t hold it against her. She’ll probably talk about you all through supper later.


Yeah, I know. Hey, don’t let her use the phone anymore, OK. She didn’t know what she was saying to me last night and I think it just works her up.


He’d felt saddled with his mother’s care before but now that she was at Golden Horizons he felt guilty not taking care of her. He’d get an ice cream--maple nut and pistachio--at the ice cream by the scoop place in the C-Store on the way home.


He ran around town three times later that night until he felt like a blade was piercing his side and then he ran harder until it disappeared. 




A thin slice of light bisected his bedroom wall and alerted him to the sound of a large machine outside. A slow mechanical winding and a revving engine, then stop, the winding, a rev, and stop.


What the hell is going on? He thought before rolling out of bed and opening the blinds.  It was the shiny yellow cab of a Mike’s Towing and Repair truck at the farm out back. The flatbed was raised to a forty-five degree angle and Mike or someone was standing at the controls on the side operating a winch with a cable that led to the back legs of a huge roan horse that he’d seen hundreds of times eating grass out there in the small pasture behind the complex. He’d been near it a few times by the fence and had even heard its teeth tearing at the grass and munching ecstatically. Now its rear legs were wrapped with a metal cable and its lifeless head and front legs dragged slowly across the uneven ground as the cable was wound back into the winch behind the cab of the truck.


Bang, bang, bang, he heard on his door. He had to piss and unless he stood on his head to do it, he was going to have to wait out the rager in his sweats. 


Bang, bang, bang. He threw on a t-sirt and tucked himself in the waistband of his pants.


Hang on! 


Bang, bang, bang! 


I’m coming. 


He looked into the peephole. Ando.


What the hell Ando, I’m sleeping.


Jerry, you should come see what is going on out back.


I saw. The horse. I know.


No Jerry, not the horse. Teddy’s place. Out back. Come and look.


Ok, let me get some shoes on. I’ll be right out.


When he got out there, Ando was on his knees inspecting the window frame that sat just above ground level. The screen was torn and the glass had been broken from the inside and pieces of it lay in a semi circle on the grass. 

 

Ando had a key and walked around and inside, down the stairs and knocked on Teddy’s door, a thick mustiness attacked their senses. When there was no answer, he unlocked it.


Hello! Teddy! They entered slowly, singlefile--the smell of burnt popcorn and urine was undeniable, a scented candle in a pool of dried wax on the coffee table, and the sink was filled with dishes stacked precariously on top of one another. 


Teddy? They walked to the hallway and peered into the the bathroom.Nothing. They continued heading towards the interior bedroom. Next to a mattress on the floor lay Teddy, in maroon boxer briefs with white trim breathing loudly through his mouth. They stared at him--bits of broken glass and smeared with with his own blood, crumpled up on the floor, like Martin Sheen at the beginning of Apocalypse Now


Ando pushed a broomstick into his thigh and woke him up.


Teddy, stoned and drunk, had heard the horse, but, instead of leaving by way of the door, in a myopic sense of urgency, knocked out the window, crawled outside and ran to the fence in the half light of early morning, told the old woman who lived there that something was wrong with the horse, that she had to call 911 or it would die. The next thing he remembers is getting poked in the leg with the broom.


Jerry taped the poster on the back of his apartment door, laced up his sneakers, prepositioned a kitchen chair and began working on the positions outlined on the grid. There would be mirrors on the walls of his studio and bare iron poles that ran the length of the room. He’d already discarded the Candy Jar--after the incident with Teddy, the association didn’t appeal to him. The Nickel would be his studio and that is what he imagined for himself now as the curve of his kitchen vinyl floor elongated into the Nickel Nook’s space, plate glass at the front, two restrooms and storage at the back and mirror lined workout space for him to guide his disciples. The vision, while beautiful, also paralyzed him and when the angry sound of a lawnmower began outside the spell was broken; he sat in the kitchen chair and unlaced his sneakers. Later, he thought.


He closed the screen where a patio should have been, lay down on the couch and dreamt of the woman with the yellow tusk thrust into the sky as her mouth opened too wide in his mind to scream. She stood in the spot he’d first seen her yesterday, the early sun and black birds against a blue sky circled and dove suicidally over the parking lot light poles where the roan from behind his complex nibbled tufts of crabgrass that grew like veins of green gold from cracks in the pavement. 



Leaning against the glass from the inside, the sign, SOLD,  caught Jerry by surprise and even then he imagined it was he who had purchased it. The cavernous space behind was dark and he walked to the door. Another sign.


OPENING SOON!

Quick Fit Wellness Studio

Help Wanted


The phone number listed wasn’t local and Jerry chastised himself. He was going to call the realtor this week and here it was snatched up and taken from him. Taken from him. Sometimes he couldn’t help but feel that everything was taken from him before he had a chance to get it. 


Jerry dislodged his cell phone from the holster strapped to his hip, dialled the number on the sign. He knew no one would answer at this hour but he wanted to lodge his interest in the position advertised all the same. He stated his number twice, just to be sure.


By the time he rounded the last block before arriving back at the complex he had modified his plans and thought getting some experience on his resume might not be a better way to get off the ground first.


Jerry slept soundly that night and did not dream. While he rinsed his cereal bowl in the sink the next morning, his phone vibrated and his heart soared. He knew they’d call. He could punch in and out for a while, maybe find himself a nice duffel bag, a black one with orange piping along the edges and a shoulder strap that he could hang his sneakers from. He’d only wear them in the studio--they would be impressed by that. Hell, anybody would. The phone vibrated its way towards the edge of the counter.


Hello? This is Jerry.


Jerry? Are you bringing coffee, Jerry?


He closed his eyes and squeezed the lids shut so tightly that his eyeballs began to ache. When he opened them, he looked across his apartment, into the living room, at the tv and watched the waves run in ferocious white lines across the screen and a palm tree rock excitedly in the wind while a beautiful woman in a leotard stood on a platform on the beach and the disciples in front of her awaited her instructions.


Jerry? I love you, Jerry.


Jerry?











.


Hunger

                                                                        It was summoned to pass judgment--either to bless or destroy. The me...